I've done a lot of posts this month about vegetarian issues; by now there should be no doubt that my feelings about this topic are strong. The harm done to animals and the resultant harm done to humans and the environment is staggering and oh so avoidable.
Although I can often feel down about all this there is only one way to deal with it and that is to turn to humor. Here is Ben Shaberman's advice for those of you who are not vegetarian for how to live with those of us who are. This piece aired on NPR in November 2008.
Making Nice With Vegetarians - An Insider's Guide
There are about 25 million of us lurking in the United States. Actually, we don't lurk all that much. In fact, we can be a rather annoyingly outspoken, knowledgeable, and self-righteous bunch. We are the ones who kicked your ass in high school debate class, and continued to berate you with our arguements and opinions while you ran back to your locker. We are vegetarians, and when it comes to espousing our opinions and beliefs, we take no prisoners. We are fundamentalists - instead of worshiping the Lord, we revere chickens, pigs, and cows. Many of us harbor small colonies of cats, dogs, and rabbits - a few dozen here a few dozen there.
So as a public service to the non-vegetarian majority, I feel compelled to offer some advise on how best to deal with and tolerate vegetarians. We really aren't all that bad, if you know our hot buttons: puppy mills, baby seal hunts, veal, and Jello, for example. (What - you didn't know that Jello is made from animal hooves? Don't let that dessert's seductive jiggle fool you.)
If you are already a vegetarian, give this article to your carnivorous friends and acquaintances. Consider it a goodwill gesture or a peace offering. It will help them understand you better. It will make them think you're acknowledging your difficult behavior, when in actuality, you're just feeding them more meat-free propaganda.
It really is silly to debate us about the health and environmental advantages of a vegetarian diet. The cards are overwhelmingly stacked against you. Most mainstream health organizations, including the American Dietetic Association, agree that a vegetarian diet will reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, certain cancers, and obesity. (Even if you're the type who thrives on junk food, you can still devour all the chips, Twinkies, and soda you want.)
Do you think you need meat to be a successful athlete? Well, track star Carl Lewis - Olympic athlete of the Century and winner of nine gold medals - reached his performance peak as a vegan. Bill Pearl, a four-time Mister Universe, was at his best while on a vegetarian diet. (And yes, they are both still meat free.)
Do you think you need meat to be smart? Well, intellectual heavyweights by the names of Einstein and DaVinci seemed to get by OK on meat-free diets.
To me, the environmental debate for vegetarianism is even more of a slam dunk. Almost 80 percent of all agricultural land in the U.S. is used to raise animals for food or grow the grain that feeds them. What's even more stunning is the fact that farm animals produce about 130 times as much excrement as does the entire human population in the U.S. That's a lot of doo doo.
Know the lingo
You wouldn't think answering the question, "What is a vegetarian?" would be all that difficult. But it is, and unfortunately, it reveals that we vegetarians are not only ornery, we are complex and somewhat of a contradiction.
You can be considered a vegetarian even if you eat dairy and egg products. It's the dead animal products you need to avoid to officially be vegetarian. Herbivores of this ilk are known as lacto-ovo vegetarians. (Lacto for milk, ovo for egg.)
There are people out there who call themselves vegetarian even though they eat fish. Know that these fish-o-tarians irritate the hell out of the vegetarian purists. I'm not so dismissive. We need all the allies we can get, and at least they're confining their murderous ways to the seas. With them, you are still safe if you have legs.
Vegans are the real vegetarians, dismissing any products made from animals - dead or alive. Most Americans pronounce the word as: veegun. Vegans should not be confused with beings who come from somewhere near that bright star in the sky named Vega, nor should they be confused with a person who drove that crappy American car of the '70s known as a Vega. I am guessing that the guys who designed the Vega were a group of dyslexic, underachieving pot smokers. I never drove a Vega, but I did push one out of a ditch once. Those cars were the best thing ever to happen to the Japanese auto industry. And no, that quirky musician of the '90s Suzanne Vega is not a vegan.
Now if you really want to impress your animal-free friends, tell them that a Brit named Donald Watson came up with the word "vegan" by deleting the letters "etari' from "vegetarian." Thankfully, the chap lived to the ripe age of ninety-five. It would have been quite embarrassing for the veg movement if he had only made it to forty-three.
Tofu: get used to it
Tofu is important to vegetarians, because it is an excellent source of protein. Hang out with an herbivore long enough, and you will inevitably come face to face with tofu, be it soft, firm, fried, or baked.
Tofu is to a vegetarian like duct tape is to a handyman. You can do almost anything with tofu. But if you don't do anything to it, it in fact tastes like duct tape.
Though many people are mystified by tofu, it isn't all that mysterious. It is simply curdled soy milk, and made in much the same way cheese is made from cow's milk. I find it interesting how many people think tofu is revolting, yet they find cheese totally yummy. Frankly, I don't see what's so appetizing about eating food that ultimately came from the teat of a cow.
The secret to tasty tofu lies in the skill of the cook and the ingredients - herbs, spices, and oils - used to supplement it's flavorless disposition. My recommendation: Don't eat tofu dishes made by rookies. I've found that people botch tofu entrees at least a half-dozen times before they get it right. Some cooks never figure it out.
If you want to score points with your vegetarian friend, don't make faces when he or she talks about their favorite tofu dish. If you really want to bond with them, take them out to a restaurant that serves tofu dishes - they're often Asian establishments - and order a tofu entree for yourself. Smile. Enjoy it. And don't forget to share.
Dining out with a vegetarian: welcome to my nightmare
There's nothing more daunting for an herbivore than eating out at a conventional restaurant, because so many wait staff don't have a clue about what a vegetarian does and doesn't eat. It's amazing how many servers think that anything but a steak will suffice. I wish I had a nickel for every time a waiter or waitress asked, "How about the chicken?" after I've informed them that I am vegetarian.
What's even more challenging for them is when I ask if a particular dish is flavored with chicken stock. It's a "deer-in-the-headlights" moment for many a server. It's as if you've asked them to prove an advanced calculus theorem.
I often fantisize about a video game where the vegetarian player gets to disembowel and behead any wait staff who attempt to serve a non-vegetarian dish. You get bonus points for nabbing the waiter who tries to serve you the more inconspicuously non-veg entree. (To keep it fair, you lose points if they attempt to serve an entree that is in fact vegetarian.) They could call the game: Vegetarian Dining Massacre. Are you Xbox developers listening?
Anyway, the bottom line: if you go dining with a vegetarian, just be quiet and put up with our whining and server interrogations. The meal won't last forever, and the occasion will make a great story for the next day when you're eating hamburgers for lunch with your carnivorous coworkers.
Your final assignment
Speaking of hamburgers, here's a suggested evening of entertainment that will really help you connect with your vegetarian pals. Cozy up to the television with your friends, including your pets, and pop the PETA video "Meet Your Meat" in the DVD player. Unlike my video game fantasy, this is more what I call "reality TV." And we all know that reality TV is big these days.
After watching the video, maybe you'll be moved enough to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle. Maybe not. But even if you don't decide to become an herbivore on the spot, you'll see that we, the meat-free, aren't completely wacko after all. We're just crazy about the animals.
And BTW, I love tofu plain out of the container. Duct tape schmukt tape.
